September 2019 "Why are you Here?"

What I'm Thinking - "Why are you here?"

Ever since I told people nearly 4 years ago I wanted to study abroad I've been hearing variations of this question. Why leave for so long? Why now? Why so far away? Why Korea? They're not bad questions and I don't mind hearing them, but I can't seem to answer in a way I feel satisfying, because the closest I can get to the truth is, "I don't know."

🤷

"Why did you come to Korea?" seems an easy question, but each time it comes up I babble on and on, hoping some meaningful explanation will just fall out. After hearing the question enough times some of my answers started to sound pretty legitimate, "Because I want to understand what it means to be human better; because I feel a strange affinity for Korean culture; because I want to understand why so many are drawn to kpop and kdrama…" Later, after my commitment to Korea became more serious, my answers did too. "Because I want to eventually become a professor and teach students there's multiple ways to be human; because I'm interested in Korean identity and how it's used by individuals to relate themselves to other nations; because the world is increasingly intercultural and a mutual appreciation and understanding between nations is necessary for a peaceful future..." yadda yadda yadda

The above explanations aren't untrue, but the truest answer of I don't know seems like a cop-out, even to me. Isn't it childish to make such an extraordinary commitment—three years away from the physical support of family and friends—without some really good reason for doing so?

Well then, I'll be childish. When I think about Korea I'm happy. When I make new observations about the culture I'm over the moon. When I realize how much of the language I've learned I feel fulfilled. When I sit for a moment and realize I'm in Korea I'm simply delighted. I don't feel there's any way I can articulate a complete answer for why I feel this way—I just do.

This life I'm living now is a gift, and I will study well not because I have some grand plan of how to use my degree, but because I want to thank God for giving me a desire to love Korean culture and a means to fulfil it. I'm not perfect at it. I'm often too cynical and frustrated and conceited and critical, but that's life I guess. I'm not sure why I'm interested in Korea. I'm not sure why I came to the country. I'm not sure why I've been given anything in my life at all. Perhaps all will be clear when I'm old and grey; the heavens will open and I'll think "Aha! So that's why I went to Korea!" but I don't think so.
Side by side, Taking up the same space, Experiencing the same thing

I've always been sensitive to what others think of me (my parents can attest) so being in Korea and knowing my looks set me apart is endlessly frustrating. I always feel I'm not all the way here. The impression others have that I'm unfamiliar with Korean culture and language coupled with my own insecurities hold me back from experiencing life here as I wish I could.

My favorite times have been when people treated me as if it was just as natural for me to be there as it was for them, an example being when I sat in the park and a pre-school class came by. They spoke and played as they pleased no matter who was nearby. Or that time an old woman mistook me as Korean and asked for directions. Or when I enjoyed performances by Korean artists where no one tried to translate anything for my sake, and the other concert-goers laughed and enjoyed right next to me. Side by side, taking up the same space, experiencing the same thing.

Overall I can't change how others see me (or how I think they see me), so I have to start conversations first and act like I belong without caring whether others agree. The more I do maybe the more I'll feel here. And Now the Fun Stuff!

What I'm Reading - 라뗴가 가장 맛있다 (Lattes are the most delicious)

One of my favorite pages from the book!

I kinda gave up on the whole Harry Potter thing for now, and instead went on a quest for a simple, less fantastical book. What I discovered was a trendy art journal about things the author likes, such as coffee, design, and travel. It's full of simple, everyday language and lots of adorable drawings. I finished it a couple days ago and was SO proud! It also rubbed off on me and I began a journal of my own (though without the art. I'm not so good at drawing so I use stickers instead.

What I'm Listening to - Dean and Kisnue and 하헌진(Ha Hyunjin)

Ha Hyunjin and Kisnue two indie bands I was able to enjoy this month. It was my second time seeing Ha Hyunjin, so I guess you can consider me a groupie now. 😂

Kisnue was recommended by a musician I follow on Instagram. I wasn't originally planning to go, but suddenly had the urge to go out after a long day of studying, and invited my new friend Kim along. The venues were small and only cost the price of a drink to enter, so it was fun AND cost effective! Dean is HUGELY popular these days, both inside and outside Korea. He's one of the recent R&B artists that blew up through songs like Instagram and I'm Not Sorry. One of his new releases, Howlin' 404 has an MV where he sings acapella, showing of his vocal control. I have a friend who's seen him three times in the last month. I'll have to ask if I can go the next time she does!

What I'm Watching - All Shook Up

The Yonsei musical club put on a performance of the 2005 show All Shook Up, complete with 1950s attire and Elvis Presley songs. The production was incredibly well done, and the actors displayed all the bravado and showmanship of Elvis himself!

What I'm up to - Photos

I'm trying to fill a notebook with things I'm grateful for every night. On the morning of this day I got to speak with my parents (and kinda my cat too), which always puts me in a good mood!

The area around where I live, called Sinchon, is a popular destination for food, shops, and performances, so when I go even to just get groceries I often have to weave through groups spending the afternoon on the town. Sometimes the place is packed for festivals or famous busking performances, like when the singer Paul Kim came (above). It's fun to be around so much activity sometimes, but I like my nights in just as well.

Yonsei's most recognizable building, from a distance because I felt awkward taking a picture.

September cafes

A poem I found while reading about the history of Buddhism and Confucianism in Korea

Desk view

On the way to Membership Training. The Graduate Student Association members prepared an overnight outing of fun to help us all get to know one another.

마무리까지 읽어주셔서 감사합니다!

Comments

April 2020 "수고했어 오늘도 (You did well today)"

Somewhere in Seoul 지금 힘들지? 수고했어 오늘도. (soo-go-hay-so oh-neul-do. "These days it's hard, right? You did well today".) Soo-go-hay-so oh-neul-do (Literally, "You made an effort today as well.") is a commonly used phrase between friends to reassure one another that each did all they could for the day, just like every other day. The word, 수고했어 (soo-go-hay-so), implies not only that one did a good job but that they expended much effort and energy to complete that job. As such the receiver feels recognized and reassured that their work endeavors were not in vain. This phrase also serves as an automatic greeting between office workers after a long day, and customers give a variation of the phrase to employees at the end of an interaction (soo-go-ha-say-yo "Keep making an effort"). It's kind of like saying "Have a nice day." An artist created a cute song around the idea of 수고했어 오늘도, which I listened to after excellently failing the Korean langua...

Nov/Dec 2019—Ddong and Slang

What I'm Up to *Sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas* ♪ In the month of December my studies asked of me~ 5+ boxes to pack 4 AM bedtime 3 long papers 2 demanding finals and a Con~fucian presentation~~~♪ I had a pretty packed last couple weeks at school, but complaining about that isn't really what I want this blog to be about. I'll just say it took about 1 1/2 weeks after coming back to the US to recover from the not-so-healthy way I treated myself during finals week and from the jetlag. Finally my headache's gone, my neck isn't sore, and I don't wake up at 2 AM hungry for a bowl of cereal anymore. I've also been able to do the things I haven't in 16 months, like bother my cat (with looove ), bake, drink proper black coffee, and receive some much needed mommy hugs. Now that I'm feeling healthy again and the busy holidays are over I'm settling in for the next 45-ish days until I return to Korea. When my family came to meet me at th...

Oct-Dec 2020 "Comfort Me by Being Comforted"

What I'm Up To Gave myself a blogging break this past semester because these posts take more than a day to complete, and I wasn't interested in adding undue stress. I also had to spend time writing for NOVAsia , my grad school's magazine. This semester I published 2 articles, one about the relationship between K-pop and the Black Lives Matter movement , and one about Korea's "slow" consumption . I also participated in 2 podcasts covering the US presidential election and discussing Navajo culture with an exchange student from the Navajo nation . (I'm a novice so be kind in your criticisms, please.) I have another article about COVID-inspired street art that's currently going through its first round of editing, and I'll add a link🔗 once it's complete. 😄 If you're interested, I do hope you'll take a look! (Link now added!) Let's see, what else? One of the artists that inspired my article goes by the alias, Mr. Tongue. After notic...

Itaewon-"You have set my feet in a broad place."

Titles from articles that emerged after the October 29th crowd crush disaster. (links at bottom of page) Sometime during the pandemic, I found myself wishing to enter a "broad place," like the broad places mentioned in the Bible: "You have set my feet in a broad place; You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way; He induced you away from the mouth of distress, And instead of it, a broad place with no constraint." I took a photo of the park on top of a hill, cut out the buildings below, and wrote, "If you angle the camera just right you can almost believe it's not the middle of the city." I told a friend I wanted to visit a broad place once, and he took me to a cafe in Bukhansan. Windows covered the walls from top to bottom to show the green mountain outside. I could easily appreciate the trees, and when we walked the path outside the air smelled like rain. YONHAP/Reuters When I left my school's dorm, I first lived in a ...

January 2020 "In the Absence"

General Update I've been in Missouri the entire month of January, but that doesn't mean I have nothing Korean-related to write about! On the contrary I've had loads of time to finish some assigned readings I was too busy for during the semester, study language, watch dramas and music videos, and overall keep up with Korea happenings. I've also had time for some silly things , like lip-syncing to Korean songs. It may not sound like a worthwhile activity but it helps with language learning and pretending to rap is just too darn fun. 😂 I love recreating artists' facial expressions as I try to keep up with the lyrics, but I rarely indulged in lip-syncing while living in a dorm because I was afraid my roommate would walk in unexpectantly and recognize me for the embarrassment I a m. 😳 But now that I'm home and there's usually no one but the cat to judge me, I embrace the opportunity to look a fool. The song Miroh by Stray Kids (link) is the song I'm...

Even in Korea—/Watching the cherry blossoms bloom—/I long for Korea

K-dramaland Nostalgia With (a cardboard cutout of) the male lead of Boys Over Flowers in 2016. Even in Korea— Watching the cherry blossoms bloom— I long for Korea.* I've lived in Korea almost 4 years, yet I often find myself wishing I lived in Korea. This being the Korea I envisioned 8 years ago when I was first introduced to the country's pop culture. My then steady diet of K-drama, K-pop, and variety shows, the most accessible entertainment options for overseas audiences, shaped my vision of Korea into a fun, romantic, and sexy country. "Korea feels like Hogwarts, a fantasy land," I'd told my friends. I knew the country was much more than that in principal, but I couldn't remove the emerald glasses I'd donned. Sometimes me and other K-culture fans would whisper about the 'dark side of Korea.' "The school system is so intense! Did you know they all wake up at 5 and sleep at midnight?" "K-pop stars are hardly allowed to eat! And th...

June/July 2020–Pansori and Korean Novels

How I'm Doing Annyeonghaseyo! Is it raining where you are? Korea's experiencing its monsoon season at the moment and I'm growing gills. My hair's unmanageable, I sweat just by walking outside, and I keep getting alerts about rising waters and even a landslide. Hope nothing gets as bad as what happened to the Kim family's home in Parasite... Even though humidity reaches 90% saturation and every day experiences heavy rainfall there are still lots of people out and about. Nearly every store sets their umbrellas out front so no one will be caught without and buildings set out stations with umbrella-shaped plastic bags so water doesn't leak all over the floors. Thanks to these conveniences the rainy season doesn't feel very inconvenient, just physically uncomfortable. During these days it's best just to enjoy the rain from indoors with a cup of coffee. Kinda what monsoon season feels like Quick update on June: papers papers papers Glad we got tha...

"the struggle that we wage"

"Allegory" by Philip Guston Doing "We're born with infinite possibilities, only to give up on one after another. To choose one thing means to give up another. That's inevitable. But what can you do? That's what it is to live.” -Hayao Miyazaki, The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness I once wrote that the future only materializes once you hack away the foliage and look at the path you made, but I didn't realize hacking would take so long. I changed countries to pursue a new route 6 months ago, but this route didn't materialize, and I find myself in the same situation I tried to escape. " Your life is full of possibilities! " That promise from childhood looms over me once again. " So many possibilities! So many chances to make the wrong decision!" The fear of choosing incorrectly keeps me frantically swinging from one open door to another, and I never close or enter any. If only someone else would reach through and pull me to the other sid...

May 2020 "To See with Eyes Unclouded by Hate"

To See with Eyes Unclouded by Hate This quote comes from the Studio Ghibli film, Princess Mononoke. Lots of viewers remember these words because they matter, and they matter because they speak to every situation. Why are you in Korea? To see with eyes unclouded by hate. Why are you listening to music you don't even understand? To see with eyes unclouded by hate. Why are you marching in the gay pride parade when you're not gay? To see with eyes unclouded by hate. Why are you participating in racial protests when you're white? To see with eyes unclouded by hate. I find I hate less when I'm sharing the same space and looking at the same things. This is why I came to Korea. I knew almost nothing about the peninsula until college, but then I began listening to Korean music, watching Korean shows, and eating Korean food. Meanwhile I never listened to black music, never watched films with a majority of black actors, and rarely shared meals with black people. This is how I le...

February 2020 "The dog doesn't know: why you're sad today. But the dog knows: that you are sad."

How I'm Doing I think some higher power might be trying to discourage me from being in Korea. 10 days before my scheduled flight my dermatologist decided she needed to test one of moles to see if anything serious was up, then the day before I left she wanted to get the whole thing removed. So, yeah, that's how I ended up getting a minor surgery the day before a 13 hour flight. Not only did I have this health concern to think about but due to the growing corona virus threat Yonsei decided to postpone the beginning of classes 2 weeks, and they notified us that dorms would house quarantined students from Asian countries. This presented a problem since I was due to move into the dorms, so I frantically began searching for a new place to call home. I'd already bought a flight ticket for a couple days before I reached the 60 day limit my scholarship allows me to stay in another country, so even if I had no where to return to I was still required to return . The school la...

Americano Juseyo

Search This Blog