"the struggle that we wage"

"Allegory" by Philip Guston

Doing

"We're born with infinite possibilities, only to give up on one after another. To choose one thing means to give up another. That's inevitable. But what can you do? That's what it is to live.” -Hayao Miyazaki, The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness

I once wrote that the future only materializes once you hack away the foliage and look at the path you made, but I didn't realize hacking would take so long.

I changed countries to pursue a new route 6 months ago, but this route didn't materialize, and I find myself in the same situation I tried to escape. "Your life is full of possibilities!" That promise from childhood looms over me once again. "So many possibilities! So many chances to make the wrong decision!" The fear of choosing incorrectly keeps me frantically swinging from one open door to another, and I never close or enter any. If only someone else would reach through and pull me to the other side so I don't have to muster the courage to step through on my own! 

But I realize keeping every choice available stops me from getting anything done. Choosing one dream means I have to give up another, and I need to close some doors so I can finish what I started. This is a choice only I can make, and I hope to gain the courage to make it soon.

Reading

Imagined Communities by Benedict Anderson

Imagined Communities outlines the conditions that led to a relatively new invention—the nation. This academic staple explains nationalism's origins through new understandings of leadership, religion, and time, which primarily emerged from print capitalism. The printed word fostered new notions of belonging that shifted from religious affiliations or connections to powerful hubs toward a sense of camaraderie with speakers of the same language. Through the new medium, the newspaper, people who spoke the same vernacular learned about events that occurred concurrently with events in their own lives, and individuals started to imagine the people they read about as members of the same community. The rise of these imagined communities, i.e. nations, created a shared past to respect, a present to navigate, and a future to work toward.

Remembering that nations are inventions, albeit not bad inventions, is a helpful reminder for a world that increasingly clings to tribal affiliations. Nationality, and the nationalism that sustains it, is one of those beliefs best kept in an open palm so we can expand and contract the boundaries of belonging as circumstances shift.

Watching

Move to Heaven

Trauma cleaners bow to the deceased before they clean. (Screenshot from the Korea Times)

I first learned about trauma cleaning, or cleaning up after lonely deaths, from a Korea Times feature. The cleaners bowed to the deceased in remembrance of their humanity, and the workers in the show, Move to Heaven, do the same. The characters introduce themselves to the deceased, say a prayer, and piece together the individual's life as they empty the room. As they sort through belongings the trauma cleaners collect objects that they believe held the most meaning to the individual who owned them, and they even discover secrets unknown to living friends and family.

The characters' attention to the strangers reminded me of papers I wrote in grad school. I immersed myself in historical figures' writing, studied the social contexts of their times, thought deeply about the emotions they might have experienced, and spent hours writing detailed accounts flooded with footnotes. How often have I given the same amount of thought to someone I love?

The finality of death seems to give individuals permission to reflect on a loved one in a deeper way than they did while that person lived. Maybe when someone is alive, we think they ought "pull themselves together" before real communication can begin, or that we should wait until someone's life ends before we can understand it, or that a loved one's life is so simple they don't need anyone to think too deeply about them. It's only when communication is lost forever that it's easier to reflect.

(Below, the trailer for Move to Heaven.)

I remember going to my roof once and seeing a stranger on a nearby hill. I wondered about the life they led as they walked their dog, who grew excited over a squeaky toy, which made me grow excited too. I wondered if anyone had similarly noticed my own presence. I'd rather not wait for someone to die before I think and wonder about them. 

 

To think of someone, not with worry or want, but with curiosity, feels like one of the most loving gestures, more so than gifts, hugs, or words. Sometimes I worry societies are so fixed on doing something about another person's hardship that they erase the humanity of the person and instead make them the representative of an issue. Instead of reacting to someone's plight, I hope I can share more emotional space from now on.

Listening

Zior Park's Christian

Album art for Zior Park's album, "WHERE DOES SASQUATCH LIVE? Pt. 1"

Zior Park is one of the most interesting musicians I've encountered. I realized after I listened to a couple of his songs that the artist has a deep knowledge of and frustration with Christianity that I, for better or worse, empathize with.

He often includes bible verses in his lyrics such as, "No prophet is accepted in his hometown," and he even wrote a song about King David (Run, David, Run). His newest song, and perhaps the most popular one to date, explicitly conveys Zior Park's various positions toward Christianity. These positions include the artist's continued interest in religion despite his seemingly unChristian lifestyle, Park's nostalgia for the simple faith of childhood, his questions about the church's hard stance against alleged taboos, and his judgment on both "Pharisees," who only act righteous, and "street people," who boast they worship no god but actually worship themselves.

I simply love this song. Christian is shocking, but Zior Park's music and lyrics always strike a deep chord with me. 

Words I've Liked

"But looking back, I was surprised to see that life isn't as long as I'd thought. I can't let myself write long poetry when my life has been so short. So I've started aiming for more concise words, which I hope will give me deep, genuine consolation in the short time I have left on this earth."

Jeong Seung-ho is one of my favorite poets. This interview by LTI Korea reflects on Jeong's approach to writing, loneliness, and life, and it gave me lots of encouragement.

"If you don't do it today, if you don't make today's mistake today, you'll never know how much you will get done tomorrow, so the only solution is to do it."

-Biao Xiang, Self as Method: Thinking Through China and the World

"War is all about ordinary people who, if there had been no war, would only have cried as much as you or I."

-Cho Hae-jin, Light's Escort

Illustration by Walter Gramatté

"Belonging is not a state that we achieve, but a struggle that we wage." 

-From the synopsis of "In Pursuit of Belonging: Forging an Ethical Life in European-Turkish Spaces" by Susan Beth Rottmann of Özyeğin University, a virtual seminar held by the Royal Anthropological Institute.

"So he moved into a mountain where he spent his days studying letters with reverence and occasionally gathering his friends to appreciate the mountains and the rivers, the winds and the moon."

- The Story of Jeon Unchi

What I'm up to

I caved and bought one of my favorite shows. Though I move around a lot and don't carry much with me, I want to own the things I love without the worry that streaming services might remove them. And sometimes, I like to watch something without analytics taking note.🙈

Epik High came to my city, and I couldn't let this rare opportunity to see a group from Korea pass me by. What's more, they promised to tell every Korean artist to stop by my city on their tours. I'll hold them to it.

My visits to the city often end with a trip to an Asian supermarket. I recently bought durian-flavored mochi. It's fun to sprinkle my days with new tastes!

I used to call Korea, "The land of no ovens," because cooking most often takes place on the stove. Conversely, I call the place I currently live in the US, "The land of no cafes." I visited a few nice shops thanks my friends' recommendations, but this place is far from the level of cafe saturation Korea currently enjoys. One of the biggest questions I used to ask myself when I lived in Seoul was, "What cafe shall I visit today?" 

Turned 28 recently! Getting older isn't so bad. I like to think I grow wiser as well.

My two friends and I began a podcast wherein we discuss topics that extend from our experiences living in and studying Korea. Our latest two episodes cover the metaverse and multitasking, and we just recorded an episode about Korean musicals that will come out in April!

My grumpy grandma.

끝까지 함께 해 주셔서 고맙습니다! 다음에 또 만나요.

(Thanks for reading to the end. Let's meet again next time!)